God, I love these people

Aussies - God love 'em. They are the most entertaining bunch around. And I have to say, the nicest. There's nothing like walking into the office in the morning and hearing someone say (insert manly Aussie accent here), "Well, don't you look lovely today?" Like I said, God love 'em.

I'm getting used to the kindness of the locals. What I'm not quite used to is the lingo. For starters, they shorten everything.

I'm Steph. No one calls me Stephanie - it's Steph. Full stop. Right off the bat. Day 1. Here, everyone's name is shortened (or "cutened" as you'll see). Everyone calls you by that nickname. All the time. Even at work. In business meetings with clients. On Power Point slides.

Here are a few examples (forgive me if I'm using you as an example):
A fellow with the last name of Gibbs is Gibbsy
A fellow with the first name of Jeremy is Jezz
A fellow with the first name of Roger is Dodgey
A fellow by the name of Brendan is Bob
A fellow with the last name of Capps is Capsy

A gal with the name Shifali is Shiffers
A gal with the last name of Sweet is Sweetie
A gal by the name of Robin is Rob
A gal by the name of Britney Spears is Britters

Like I said, everyone has a nickname.

Britters

It's not the only thing they shorten. Here are a few more. I hear these all the time. Get out a piece of paper and guess what each of these are. Go ahead, get out some paper. Now grab a pen. OK, go.

pressie

uni

Brissy

Singers

arvo

Chrissy

sunnies

breakie

firies

sicky

sambo

Maccas

garbo

mozzies

chrissy pressie

OK, let's see how you did:

pressie
present

uni
university
"i live near the uni"

Brissy
Brisbane

Singers
Singapore
"had a great time in Singers"

arvo
afternoon

sambo
sandwich

Chrissy
Christmas

garbo
garbage man

firies
firemen

Maccas
McDonalds (used in advertising even)

sunnies
sunglasses
"let me grab my sunnies"

breakie
breakfast

sickie
sick day
"take a sickie"

mozzies
Mosquitos

chrissy pressie
Christmas present, of course

Love it, people! Love - It. Lots and lots of others.

So after a month on the ground, how does Oz stack up to the States? Well, there are winners and losers on both sides of that argument.

Point: United States

Shopping SUCKS here. I went into Woolworths and almost had a heart attack. It's like Walgreens at 4x the price. So then I went to Target. I had a bigger heart attack. Target SUCKS here. I swallowed the frog in my throat and went to Kmart - and guess what? - Kmart is better than Target here. Oh, it's just too much to take. And dresses are like $400. And not cute ones. Not ones you'd buy to wear to a wedding. Sundresses.

The good news: Amazon ships here. Boden ships here. Etsy ships here. I will pay for shipping. 'Nuff said.

Point: Australia

They call people wankers. Hilarious.

Point: US

In Australia, they drive on the wrong side of the road and walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk. Now, I know "wrong" is a strong word. But it's the opposite of "right" which is the side of the road we drive and walk on. But what makes it so wrong is - you can't turn right or left on red. They find it crazy that we do that. Someone said that is the best thing about the U.S. and I agree.

Point: Australia

They swear a lot. In a funny way. And everything's bloody. "Too bloody right, mate!" And everyone's a mate. Either a mate or a bastard. "Get over here ya silly bastard!" Oh, and cheeky. "Get over here you cheeky bastard!" (cheeky = silly).

Point: US

TV sucks here! OMG. And Hulu and Netflix are BLOCKED. But I figured out how to unblock them (thanks, Clea). So I can watch Colbert Report and The Office. Whew. That was really stressing me out.

Now you would think a TV show called "TV Burp"


or "Dance Your Ass Off" might be good, right? No.

(yep, you got it - The Biggest Loser meets Dancing with the Stars minus the stars)

Another winner: "Australia's Perfect Couple". Contestants? A couple of virgins, some high school sweethearts, Brady bunch dopelgangers and the token gay couple. But there is an Australian Idol. So we're safe there.

You know how in America we have shows like "The Bachelor" and "Who wants to marry a Millionaire" because we aim high in the good ol' U.S.A. (and we're shallow). Well in Australia we have shows like "The Farmer wants a wife". ***(BTW, Shoops: you would love it here).

Point Australia:

They have two buttons for flushing the toilet- one for #1 and one for #2 so you don't waste water. Brilliant.

I mean that's just smart, people.

Point: U.S.

OK so this one really bothers me. They have no toilet seat covers. Nowhere. It does not exist. You have to put toilet paper on the toilet seat. Like you did forever ago. Oh, and they call the bathroom the "Toilet". So when you ask someone, "Where's the bathroom?" or "Where's the restroom?" they look at you like you're crazy. When you say, "Ok, ok where's the TOILET?" they point you down the hallway. God, I hate saying Toilet.

Point: Australia

They like "gingers". Gals with red hair are gingers. Guys with red hair are made fun of, however. They're called "blueys". Gingers (good), blueys (bad). A bluey may get black hair dye as a gag gift for Chrissy, for example (as seen at a recent Christmas, er Chrissy dinner). This is an example of the Australian penchant for taking a word and perversely using it as the opposite of it's intended meaning. Example for you ad folks. Virgin Airways' color is red. In Australia they brand the airline Virgin Blue as a play on this red/bluey thing. Pretty cool marketing.

Point: US

Cabs are expensive. You pay for sitting in traffic here. And you pay a lot. In the U.S. you typically only pay when you're MOVING. But not here. You pay to sit. And you pay a lot (did I say that twice?). And you never know how much it's going to be. Typically I know it'll be @ $10 to get from A to B in the U.S. for instance. But for Australia, depending on traffic or construction - it could be 4X that. But cabbies are way nicer here so I'll do a .5 for this one, U.S.A.

Point: Australia

They say g'day. And G'day, Mate. They say it. It's not just something on TV. It's cute.

Point: Australia

Their money is different colors. Now this has never bothered me about "greenbacks" but it's been brought to my attention by a cab driver (I hang out with cab drivers a lot apparently) that it's confusing that all our money is green. He's right. Pink for $5, Blue for $10, Red for $20. Orange for $50. So much more intuitive.

However, their $1 and $2 are coins. Annoying having all that change! And the 20 cent piece is way bigger than the $1 piece. And the $2 piece is smaller than the $1 piece. What happened to common sense here?? .5 for this one, Australia.

Point: Australia

There is a Christmas fairy. Who knew?

Point: US

In the grocery store in Australia the eggs aren't refrigerated. They are in the aisle. On a shelf. I felt like I was in bizarro world.

I do not like the eggs on the shelf. I do not like them.

Point: Australia

They call the Christmas season, the "silly season". And everyone takes a very large chunk of time off between Christmas and Australia Day (which is at the END OF JANUARY). Summer + Christmas = silly season. Got it.

This is summer in Australia. See the beach?

Yep, I took this picture last weekend. It's kinda weird, but kinda great.

See how the palm tree is brown? That's because it's hot, people!

People were surfing, playing volleyball, swimming, drinking. You name it. They were enjoying it in the sunshine.

Do we look dressed for Christmas? No.

After a margarita I fell asleep in this chair. In the sunlight. So socially unacceptable.

Oh, why not!? It's Christmas.

Point: US

OK, big annoyance. You have to buy your appliances in a rental property here. My place came with a washer as a fluke. And if it breaks, I have to replace it. Or get a washboard. I have to buy a dryer, dishwasher, fridge, etc. And you can negotiate prices here. It's like used car sales for your kitchen.

How looowww can you gooo?

So comparisons aside, what else is different about Australia? That's the big question you keep asking:

• They say, "How are you going?" instead of "How are you doing?" It was really weird to me at first, but I like it.
• They say, "Good on you" or "Good onya" for good for you or good job. A lot. Also cute.
• Entrees are appetizers. Now I thought this was retarded and then someone said "Entree means to BEGIN". Oh, yeah!!! Point Australia.
• It's not "Merry Christmas" it's "Happy Christmas". A woman who made her own greeting cards at the flea market said to me, "It never occurred to me to say Merry Christmas!" It was totally foreign to her. Like us saying, "Merry Birthday".
• When something is broken they say it's "stuffed". "Ah, the bloody thing is stuffed!"
• They use words like "whilst" (for while), "bespoke" (to tailor something to a specific purpose) and "fortnight" (two weeks). Honestly, why don't we use that word?
• They say things like "much of a muchness" which means "6 of 1, half dozen of the other". Neither of these are intelligible. No points.
• The letter "H" when pronounced is Hacchhh instead of Acchhhh for "H". This is slightly odd to me but why should it be? Shouldn't you use the sound of the letter when you say the letter? Why should "H" be Acchh? Point Australia.
• The letter "Z" is Zed. You may be corrected if you say "zee".
  

A pause to quote Pulp fiction: "Zed's dead, baby".

Appreciate. OK, continue.

The bottom line is, Australia is different - and some things are annoyingly different - but it's also wonderful. The people here are so welcoming. I have gotten so many invitations since being here. Teams at work have put together dinners and invited me to tag along, They have invited me to meetings and then announced that we're all taking me out for drinks to welcome me to Sydney. People have taken me under their wing. Adopted me. Made me feel at home.

When I walked into my apartment for the first time, there was a bottle of wine and a little scroll waiting for me on the mantle.

See how wonderful they are? In "our park". I love it.

Hmm. But what is BYOG. Bring your own...? Grub would be obvious but they say bring your own food. So I looked it up on Wikipedia (never a day w/o Wikipedia). Here are some translations of this acronym:

BYOG Bring Your Own Gown

Hmmm... possible.

BYOG Bring Your Own Gun

Gosh.

BYOG Bring Your Own Games

Maybe!

BYOG bring your own god

Hmmm...that might be too hard.

BYOG Bring Your Own Grog

Grog, what's grog?

Back to wikipedia.

Grog = grog means rum cut with water; colloquialism for alcohol

B.I.N.G.O.! Wine purchased. Everyone sat in the park on picnic blankets and had some good food & wine. People who have lived here 20 or 30 years. Young couples who moved here 3 years ago. A gal next door who just moved from Northern Australia. What more can I ask for for Christmas?

I can think of only one thing.

Dear Santa,

Please, please do your magic with Australian customs and make them give me all my shit N.O.W. It's been sittin' on that dock for a week! C'mon! You can do it. I know you've got some pull! I swear I didn't bring in any dirt, spices, dogs or nuts (Australia's so damn weird). I'm so excited to decorate my cute little cottage and I really, really want to do something besides lay on this cot day and night. It's nice that I have a cot and all (thanks, awesome landlords) but I'm getting a little over this "urban camping" thing. Please bring me my shit, Santa!

Oh, and bring my bunny to Australia A.S.A.P. I will miss her at Christmas.

Happy Chrissy.

Love,
Steph