Love wrapped in bacon

Dear Oprah,

*Please, pick me.*

I promise to wear bright colors. And cry on cue. And jump up and down like a deranged caricature of myself if you give away free shit. Please. Pretty, pretty please.

I love you enough, I swear.

Pick me because I'm a redhead. And we're really rare.
Pick me because I love to read. Just like you.
Pick me because I love dogs too.
Pick me because I'm too from the South!
Pick me because I can get us free lunch.
Pick me! pick me! pick. me.

About me.

I love dogs. I even have one named Rose. She has a blog (you're on it). She is super awesome. She has lots of words.

Like peanut butter. And beach.

I love her like you loved your Sophie, Oprah. Like a little fluffy child.

She doesn't really get how much I love her, though. And I really want her to understand. I find repetition helps. So I say it to her all the time.

I love you, bunny*
I love you, Rose
I looooooooveeee yoooooouuuu
You're so sweet and pretty and good
Mommy loves you

She really wants to understand. I can tell. She tries so hard.

If only I could slather peanut butter on love. Or wrap it in bacon.

*Rose with her bunny ear

I love to read. And the ones you choose are always so great.

I loved Pillars of the Earth. And The Road. And Anna Karenina. And Love in the Time of Cholera.

And East of Eden! Oh my God, Oprah - I ALSO love Steinbeck!

I have to be honest with you, I couldn't get through Middlesex. I tried twice. And The Corrections. I couldn't get through that one either.

I loved A Fine Balance. I picked it for my book club and caused everyone to drop out. They said it was too long. But I read it, Oprah. All 600 pages. It was so worth it. It was. And I visited India recently, Oprah. I thought of you.

And I cannot get enough of Toni Morrison. I wish she'd write more.

Oh, and that reminds me - I love to cry. Sometimes I pick books based on that fact alone.

By the way, have you read The Kite Runner? I read that book on a plane. And I cried so hard. Everyone kept looking back at me. Tears dripping all over my tray table. But I didn't care. It was so good.

I'm pretty emotional like you. I feel things pretty deeply. Like when that damn dog came on your show. The one with two legs. OMG, Oprah! The joy and sorrow all at once.

I cannot take the joy and sorrow all at once!

OMG, my aching heart.

I loved A New Earth. I read the book twice and bought my mom the flash cards. I read my chapter and watched the podcast every week. I love podcasts.

By the way, have you ever listened to the This American Life podcast? I think you'd love it, Oprah. It's one of my favorite things.

Oh, and did I mention I live in Australia??

Isn't that cool? I moved to Australia just under a year ago. I really love it, Oprah. I have a cute little cottage on a cute little street with little old lady neighbors.

I can show you around! You'd *love* Balmain! It's my little 'hood. It's called the insular peninsula. Because it has everything. And no one likes to leave (I don't like to leave). It's a short walk to the city, Oprah. Come on over! I can make you grits! Or hot chocolate!

I might actually be the only person in Australia that has grits (pick me). I can dress them up just right for you with butter and salt & pepper. After all, grits are just a vehicle for butter, salt & pepper. You know this.

By the way, they don't have Tide in Australia, Oprah. I wanted to tell you that.

Oh, and I work at Google. Have you ever been to Google? I don't think so. I'd love to give you a tour, Oprah. Would you like a tour? Our offices are a hop, skip and a jump from the Sydney Opera House! We could even take a ferry over! That would be so rad.

Hmmm...what else?

I dream *big*. I do. And you like to make dreams come true. I know this about you.

Oh, and I know you like to surprise people (but not to be surprised yourself). If you show up at my house in Balmain unannounced, I promise to have a heart attack right on the spot.

Like a real one.

But don't worry, - I won't die. I'll live just so we can show a video of ME watching the clip of YOU giving ME a heart attack from MY hospital bed on YOUR show.

We'll be the best of friends, Oprah! We'll be the best of friends.

But I swear I'm not crazy!

Pick. me.